Maintaining healthy communication and close relationships with your parents can be a challenge in adulthood. You may struggle to set boundaries, know when to be open or reserved, and when to expect them to soften up or not.
In his report published in the American magazine "Psychology Today," author Hal Shoray said that this is a common problem for many adults from their late twenties to their sixties, and much of it has to do with the normal process of separation and individuation and how to apply the "safe base" of attachment.
But many fail to navigate the separation and individuation process successfully, ending up either completely disconnected or deeply intertwined with their parents well into adulthood. This can happen if parents didn't provide a sufficient and secure foundation in childhood in the first place. If they were intrusive and didn't respect the child's boundaries, need for privacy, and feelings, the child will never learn to self-soothe or solve problems independently.
As an adult going through this process of separation and individuation, you'll primarily turn to your partner or friends as a safe base. But if things get too difficult, it's natural to turn to your parents for comfort, support, and guidance.
Parents as a basic secure base
According to the author, adults who continue to use their parents as a primary secure base tend to:
- Sharing details of their lives that might be best kept private.
- Informing their parents about their concerns and doubts.
- Present their future ideas to their parents.
- Expressing their confusion and lack of confidence in making important decisions.
Good faith mistakes
Parents may, with good intentions, judge their adult child's lifestyle choices or view them as emotional. Adult children certainly do not welcome these behaviors on the part of their parents.
If you want to share your life with your parents without the risks mentioned above, tell them that you want to share your life journey with them, and that you want to receive support and comfort, but you do not want them to interfere in or change your life decisions.
Tips on how to deal with your parents
If your interactions with your parents always leave you feeling exhausted or tired, here are some tips on how to deal with them, according to a report published by the Psych Central website, including:
- Set and enforce boundaries: Boundaries help set clear expectations. You may feel uncomfortable setting boundaries with your parents and telling them how you want to be treated. But remember, boundaries are essential for building and maintaining healthy relationships. So, it's okay to limit contact with your parents, tell them "no," come in late, or leave early.
- Don't try to change them: Trying to change people who don't want to change can leave you frustrated and exhausted. Instead, focus on what you can control, such as how you respond to your parents, your choices, and your behavior.
- Be careful what you share with them: You don't have to tell them everything (or anything) that's going on in your life or answer their questions. Consider sharing only what makes you feel comfortable and safe.
How do you set boundaries with your parents?
Often, overly intrusive parents come from a good place (although that doesn't make it okay). On the other hand, when parents repeatedly step over your boundaries, are toxic , or completely ignore them, it could indicate an unhealthy situation.
This can cause you stress and emotional distress. If you feel that setting boundaries with your parents is difficult, the following eight tips can help you navigate this process smoothly, according to a report published by the Healthline website:
- Find out what ideas and advice they have in mind, you might find it helpful.
- Frame your boundaries with gratitude and appreciation for them, and your desire to provide comfort and kindness to them.
- Address issues directly.
- Be clear and specific about what you want to tell them and what you want from them.
- Find a compromise between what you want and what they want, to bring the two viewpoints closer together.
- Remember that boundaries are healthy for everyone involved, for you and your parents as well.
- Know when to take some space.
- Work with a professional outside the family if you need specific advice.
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