Parents are the primary source of security, affection, and trust for their children, especially during the early stages of their lives. Therefore, when some parents mistreat their children, this can lead to deep wounds in the children. Overcoming this harm and its effects requires a great deal of effort, so that the child can move forward and leave the past with its memories.
Over time, the accumulated anger a child feels becomes like shackles that bind them to the person who caused them harm, hindering their movement and progress in life. Although it is difficult to overcome this type of anger and pain toward those closest to them, working to let go of the past, releasing the anger, and accepting what happened in order to reconcile with it is crucial to avoid becoming a prisoner of the past.
We can first distinguish between forgiveness and forgetting, as psychologist Amy Lowe explains in her article on Psychology Today , where she says, “Forgetting does not mean forgiveness. Rather, it is a cover-up of the anger that lies within us, and a premature transition to false forgiveness.”
Even if we feel temporarily relieved, remnants of past trauma will come back and haunt us when we least expect it. This may manifest in the form of reckless actions or anger towards those we love. It can also be reflected in a more subtle way in our relationships and interactions with others, as well as in our thoughts and interpretations of what is happening around us.
How to overcome anger?
Overcoming pain and coming to terms with the past is not easy, so don't rush it or get angry with yourself if it takes a long time. The process can be divided into several steps to achieve the goal.
Step One: Facing the Truth
As they say, knowing the problem is half the solution. Admitting that there is a problem and deciding to face it despite the pain it causes is the first step on your path.
Step 2: Participation
Sharing your pain with someone you love can help you ease it. You can start with one person, perhaps a therapist. If that person isn't available, you can write down your feelings in a personal journal.
Step 3: Accept your feelings
This step is difficult for many people. When you realize that your negative feelings toward your parents may also hurt you, you may appear unappreciative of what they have done for you, and you may feel disrespectful and ungrateful. Therefore, it is important to accept your anger and understand its causes without turning that feeling of shame toward yourself.
Step 4: You can be sad.
You can cry, and that's okay. It's an important step on your path to grieving and taking the time you need to express it. Let the child inside you express their sadness and anger about what they've been through, and the disappointment and defeat they felt when you couldn't express all of that.
Do not be afraid that you will remain a prisoner of this sadness for the rest of your life. It will pass as the ones before it did, but this time you will find freedom at the end of it from this anger that has remained inside you for years.
Step Five: Integrating the Past with the Present
After you have spent enough time in the past, it is time to return to the present, and look at things with your current mind, realistically and maturely, to see them from both sides, including love and hate.
Step Six: Be with them as they are today.
What happened in the past was painful and cannot be changed, but you can change your present and prevent this anger from continuing in your relationship with your parents. While it may not be possible to apologize or fix what happened, it is still up to you to learn to manage your emotions and what might be triggering your past feelings.
If your parents' treatment of you changes for the better, try not to let resentments get in the way of your relationship, and work to repair the relationship. However, if the causes of harm persist, you can set healthy boundaries that will preserve your psychological well-being and enable you to communicate with them.
When you come to terms with your anger toward your parents, you'll be able to see them through your own adult eyes and mind, not through the mindset of a child who saw their parents as superheroes. You can now realize that they aren't superheroes, and that what they did may have been due to ignorance or the trauma they themselves had experienced, or that it was ultimately in your best interest.
This will enable you to look at them with compassion and forgive what happened in the past. If you can forgive what they did and be kind to them, this will reflect on your happiness and psychological comfort before it reflects on them.
We all experience hurtful and hurtful situations from those around us, but what distinguishes some of us is our ability to recognize this pain, overcome it, and learn from it. This adds new experience to our own, empowers us to empathize with ourselves and others, and increases our ability to understand our own pain and the pain of those we love without judging them, instead of keeping this hurt inside and passing it on to those around us.
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