“Society wants you to be the best and the best at everything: the smartest, the happiest, the highest-earning, the richest, the best car, the best job. All of this advice focuses on what you lack, and therefore it doesn’t help you as much as it frustrates you,” says American author Mark Manson in his book, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living Life.
This is one of the reasons why parents put pressure on their children and place excessive expectations and hopes on them. This is to avoid the perceived inferiority or criticism that comes with those who deviate from the boundaries set by society in the academic, athletic, or artistic arena. What are the dire consequences of parents' exaggerated expectations of their children?
perfectionism
A study published by the American Psychological Association revealed that parents' excessive expectations harm their children's mental health and cause them to develop perfectionistic personality disorder.
The study, published in March 2022, analyzed data from more than 20,000 American, British, and Canadian university students and showed that parental expectations and criticisms have increased significantly over the past 32 years, by an average of 40%.
According to the same study, increased parental expectations were a factor in the prevalence of three types of "perfection disorders" among students: self-centered perfectionism (the tendency to achieve personal perfection), other-centered perfectionism (demanding perfection from others), and socially imposed perfectionism (the belief that others demand you be perfect). The three types overlap and their negative effects are compounded.
Planning for children's success versus their mental health
Dr. Thomas Curran, Associate Professor of Psychological and Behavioral Sciences at the London School of Economics and Political Science and one of the researchers who conducted the study, asserts that what is known as "perfectionism" is a psychological disorder that manifests itself in an individual's intense desire and constant striving to be free of mistakes and flaws.
This desire is accompanied by self-criticism and self-evaluation in order to meet the parents' expectations, which leads to depression and constant anxiety, and in advanced stages, may even lead to suicidal tendencies.
“We don’t blame parents for reacting out of concern for their children’s futures in a world of competition, technological innovation, and unequal opportunities,” says Dr. Thomas.
However, he advises parents to help their children overcome societal pressures by focusing on knowledge, learning responsibilities, and self-development to become active members of society, rather than focusing on test scores.
Compassion and kindness come before academic excellence.
The Washington Post reports that a report by the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation identified environmental conditions that harm adolescents' health, including poverty, discrimination, and excessive pressure to excel academically.
In this context, a study conducted by researchers from Arizona State University demonstrated that parental pressure to achieve academic excellence at the expense of social skills is linked to poor academic performance and depression, anxiety, and aggression in children.
The researchers surveyed 506 sixth-grade students with six options, three of which represented values related to personal success and achievement, such as academic excellence, a prestigious job, or a high income. The other three values related to personal traits, such as morality, respect, and kindness. They asked the students to rank the values their parents valued most.
The researchers compared the results to the students' performance in school and found that students whose parents valued personality traits as much or more than achievement achieved better academic results, had better mental health, less disruptive behavior, and higher self-esteem than their peers whose parents valued high academic achievement over personality traits.
The negative effects of increasing parental expectations
Parenting sometimes leads to pressure on children with good intentions. Parents live out their dreams through their children, wanting modified versions of them to achieve what they themselves could not. They refuse to let their children follow paths other than those they pave for them or make decisions that contradict their parents' ideas and beliefs.
The Parenting website reviews a number of problems caused by parents’ increasing hopes and expectations, as follows:
mental disorders
The internal conflict between parents' expectations and their children's level of ability is one of the causes of psychological disorders such as aggressive behavior, shyness, and social phobia, especially if they are unable to meet these expectations.
Parents' high expectations often cause academic stress for children, making them vulnerable to depression and preventing them from participating in recreational activities.
eating disorders
Children either skip meals or eat large amounts of food to escape parental pressure.
resort to cheating
When children realize that their parents' view of success is to achieve accomplishment by any means, they resort to circumvention mechanisms that help them achieve their parents' goals, such as cheating, for fear of failure.
low self-esteem
Children internalize their parents' expectations and base their self-esteem on them. When they fail to meet these expectations, they face a lot of criticism, blame themselves, and develop self-doubt about their abilities and intelligence.
sleep deprivation
Children try to meet their parents' expectations by staying up late without getting enough sleep.
decreased performance
Numerous studies have demonstrated a positive relationship between parental aspirations and achievement. However, parents' expectations often exceed their children's actual abilities, leading to disappointment and loss of motivation.
Possibility of injury when exercising
Increased parental pressure is one of the reasons for sports injuries, in addition to excessive commitment to training despite injury for fear of failure and a desire to fulfill their parents' expectations.
According to a scientific study conducted by Ithaca College in the United States on a group of young people participating in individual sports, including swimming, aged 9 to 18, the researchers linked the stress participants felt while playing sports and their lack of enjoyment to the expectations and pressure exerted by their parents to win.
The role of parents in supporting their children
According to the website of Bay Atlantic University in Washington, parents can follow these tips to improve their parenting skills and try to maintain positive expectations that motivate their children without slipping into high expectations that affect their children's mental health.
Self-reflection
Review your approach and the way you set expectations for your children, and your response when they object to certain points or disagree with you, and ensure that your actions are consistent with your words.
encouragement
You should spare your child the fear of failure. Failure doesn't mean the end of life; it's part of success. Instead of blaming them for their shortcomings, you can encourage them to excel in other areas. You can train them to change strategies and learn from mistakes to avoid repeating them next time. This could be a starting point for their success and discovery of the world in their own way.
Show unconditional love
Parents' job is to make their children feel unconditionally loved so that their self-esteem doesn't depend solely on the brilliance of their accomplishments. Parents must balance the demands of academic life with spending time with their children, listening to them, and participating in group activities.
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