During the engagement phase, the man and woman try to get to know each other as much as possible, with the emotional aspect occupying the largest space. However, preoccupation with this aspect and neglect of other important topics can lead to conflict between the two parties after marriage, especially after the initial feelings and passion have faded.
There are a number of important issues that spouses should prioritize during dating to establish clear lines for their relationship, avoid potential conflicts as much as possible, and withdraw—if necessary—before the relationship becomes marital and difficult to separate from.
Below, we present a group of the most important topics recommended by psychologists and family counselors for discussion.
The Meaning of Marriage
In the first stage, you must initially understand what marriage and starting a family mean to each of you, your general and specific goals, and your expectations of each other.
Money
Discussing financial matters is one of the most important topics to address in detail. This includes monthly income, each partner's spending habits, their priorities, the financial habits of their families, and their appropriate standard of living. Will spending be the responsibility of one party or will it be shared by both parties?
Savings, their amount, and how it will lead to deprivation of certain luxuries, should also be discussed. Will they be saved for financial security and investment, or for plans such as travel, buying a house, or other purposes?
Don't forget to discuss each party's debts, their repayment plans, and how this will affect income and expenditures.
Children
The issue of having children should be discussed, as should the number of children each party wants and when they want them. Does either party want to postpone having children for a while after marriage? How long should the waiting period be?
Love Language
Each person's way of expressing and receiving love is different. Psychologist Gary Chapman has identified five love languages that people use to express their feelings for each other:
- Verbal Affirmations
- Spending Quality Time
- Receiving Gifts
- Physical Touch
- Acts of Service
It's important to understand each other's preferences and express them as they would like, not as you would like.
Family Obligations
In a marriage, each partner usually becomes part of the other's family. Therefore, spouses should know the boundaries of their interactions with each other's families and discuss family visits.
Privacy
Discuss together what privacy means to each of you and the extent to which each of you shares details of your life or personal life with family and friends.
Career
It's important to discuss how committed each of you is to your job and what you want to achieve, how your career will impact your family, and whether there is a specific nature to your work, such as working nights, traveling extensively, or anything else.
Personal Space
American psychologist Ryan Howes recommended discussing each person's need for personal space, as couples often neglect to clarify this in the early stages due to intense attachment. Later, however, each person needs time alone or with friends.
Howes added, "If you don't discuss this from the beginning, one person may feel abandoned or jealous, or the other may feel suffocated and constricted."
Dealing with Disagreements
One of the most important things to discuss is how to handle challenges and agree on the nature of the relationship during a disagreement. Will each party take some time to reflect, or will the disagreement be discussed at their own discretion?
It's also possible to discuss each party's willingness to seek marital counseling and whether this is a possible solution to resolve differences.
Mulham Al-Haraki, a psychiatrist and director of the Beit Salam website for mental health consultations, told Al Jazeera Net, "The limits of confiding in one's mother or father should be discussed. It's best for spouses to resolve their problems. The more they rely on themselves to resolve problems or seek help from a neutral person, such as a therapist, marital counselor, or a wise person outside of their family, the more they protect the marital relationship from problems and discord."
Physical and Psychological Illness
Regarding mentioning and discussing psychological and physical illnesses with your partner, Al-Haraki says, "This is a very important point. A common mistake is for people to conceal the fact that they suffer from physical illnesses or psychological disorders, such as bipolar disorder, and then reveal this after marriage. This is considered deception and can lead to divorce."
He added, "It's also a mistake to discuss this issue in the early stages of dating, before there is a sense of familiarity between the two parties, as this could lead to alienation and the rapid end of the relationship."
He recommended that physical and psychological illnesses be discussed after the initial acquaintance stage between a man and a woman, when the intimacy stage begins, and before entering the stage of expressing feelings. "It is preferable for both parties to visit a doctor or psychotherapist together to understand the condition, how it affects marital life, pregnancy, and relationships with children, and what things should be avoided."
Avoid Talking About the Past
The psychiatrist advised avoiding certain topics, including talking about the past. He said, "There is no need to tell the other party about our past romantic experiences. You may forget them, but they will remain in your partner's mind."
He added, "Also, there is no need to mention our mistakes and missteps. This is a private matter that a person should keep to themselves and not share with others."
People and circumstances change all the time, but knowing what each party wants now and agreeing on it helps to avoid conflicts as much as possible.
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