Just as good friendships have a profoundly positive impact on children's mental, psychological, and social development, toxic friendships can have a negative impact on your child. In the following lines, you can learn about some signs that tell you your child has a toxic friendship, and here's how to act in this situation.
Toxic friendship and its impact
A study published in June 2011 in the International Journal of School Psychology found that approximately 8% of victims of verbal or physical bullying described the aggressor as a "friend." The study added that approximately 12% of aggressors described the victims as their friends. Can you imagine having a bully in your child's life who hurts them with harsh or negative words in a relationship that both parties might describe as a "friendship"?
A study published in 2014 showed that healthy friendships have a positive impact on overall health and well-being. Healthy friendships can create an environment in which children can develop their social skills and build their self-esteem. Children who have no friends since childhood are nearly three times more likely to experience high levels of depression, anxiety, and psychosomatic complaints, and twice as likely to experience high levels of aggression, hyperactivity, and inattention.
An unhealthy friendship can be even more harmful than no friendship at all. Toxic friendships can push a child to engage in negative behaviors, cause them to lose self-confidence, or even stop doing good things they used to do. For example, your child may have a bullying friend, which may make them do anything to avoid being a victim of this person's ridicule. These friendships can make your child feel bad about themselves or others.
Signs of a toxic friendship
Angela Caldwell, a licensed marriage and family therapist in California, explains to Newsweek that the first sign of a toxic friendship in your child's life is when the child gives up valuable possessions, time, or other friendships for this "friend." She adds that healthy friendships don't require much, and that good friends are not possessive.
She added that over time, the child may become stressed because of this toxic friend, and it is natural for a good friend to be a source of comfort and reassurance, not a source of stress.
Also, healthy friendships involve cooperation and support, but these characteristics are rarely present in an unhealthy friendship. Instead, there is likely a friend who is in charge and makes all the decisions. Despite this control, this friend may put in little effort for the friendship and expect your child to put in the full effort for them and their friendship.
Another sign to watch for is when your child begins to feel bad about themselves, based on their friend's opinions or actions. Caldwell advises parents to pay attention and not ignore any changes in their child's behavior or feelings, whether these feelings are sadness, isolation, or anger, especially when a new person enters their life.
Also, toxic relationships often involve a lot of "drama." If there always seems to be something dramatic happening in your child's friendship with someone, for example, the friend might share dramatic private information, lie or emotionally manipulate your child, or constantly make your child feel guilty or constantly pout at him or her to get what they want.
Jealousy can also be a key element in unhealthy friendships, whether it's envy of a new toy, frustration over an achievement your child has made, or jealousy of another friend. The bottom line is that unhealthy friendships are rarely supportive or encouraging.
How can you help your child?
Young children may not understand what toxic friendships are like and may not realize their friendship is unhealthy, explains mental health professional Michelle Reeser. For older children, she adds, peer pressure, a desire to fit in, or even social media pressure can contribute to a child getting involved in unhealthy social situations and relationships.
To help your child avoid toxic friendships, you'll need to define what friendship means and why it's important in their life. Then, you'll need to define what "good" friends are and their role in making people feel included, supporting them in times of crisis, sharing in times of joy and empathy, and respecting their feelings.
Clarifying these concepts can help your child identify people who might be good to spend time with.
After this first step, it will be important to learn more about your child's personality and listen to them, observe how they interact with their friends, and identify any problems they may face in their relationships. Listening to your child and using open-ended questions between you will maintain effective communication with them. When this effective communication is available, your child is more likely to turn to you and talk to you about any problems that may arise in their relationships outside the home.
If your child is already involved in a toxic friendship, you will need to encourage them to put some distance between themselves and their friend. Your child should also realize that staying in contact with a friend who does not treat them with kindness and respect can cause them a lot of stress and pain.
Here, you must be patient and wise to deal with the matter calmly, as your child may show some resistance and reject the idea of separating from his friend. It may be helpful to help your child see what is happening clearly, as well as help him name his feelings and discuss his concerns directly about this friend.
If your child doesn't respond to a direct approach, you can be less direct, talk to him about the changes you've noticed recently, and then ask him to explain to you the reason for these changes from his point of view.
While trying to get away from a toxic friend, you will also need to help your child build healthy relationships with other people, encourage them to try new activities or explore new interests, and keep themselves busy with many things, so that they can smoothly withdraw from the toxic friendship.
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