The New York Womans

How to support your child to become the best version of himself?

To help your child become the best version of himself, you have to realize that he is a different person than you (Shutterstock)

"Don't you see your cousin? Why can't you be as good as him?" "Do you see how good this boy is at practicing? I wish you were like him!" You may have said sentences like these two above to your child with the intention of motivating and encouraging him to work hard and develop himself. However, your good intentions may not yield good results because the method used is incorrect.

The effect of comparison on children

When you compare your child to others, you undermine his self-confidence, place a heavy burden on his shoulders, and force him to feel that others are more competent than him, and that he is unable to impress you as much as this or that.

Psychology Today notes that the mental health of children exposed to negative comparisons can be severely compromised. University of North Carolina psychologist Mitch Prinstein explains, "When we rely on others for our sense of self, and only feel good when we receive positive feedback, or strive to be the best, the best, or the prettiest, we are at risk for depression."

When a child can't see the admiration in their parents' eyes, they feel threatened and unappealing. These feelings can lead the child to feel unloved by their parents. How will they gain acceptance from strangers?

The situation worsens when one or both parents compare their child to their sibling. According to a study titled "Parental Social Comparisons of Siblings and Youth Behavior," published by the National Institutes of Health (NIH) of the US Department of Health in 2018, comparing a child to their siblings increases negative feelings between siblings and increases conflict and hostility toward each other in adulthood.

When a child cannot see the admiration in his parents' eyes, he feels threatened (Pixels)

Your child's special journey

Instead of comparing your child to someone else, it might be more effective to compare them to themselves. If they don't score as well as they expected on an academic test, remind them of their previous test result, point out areas for improvement, and reassure them of your confidence that they will do better on the next one. Repeat this throughout their life until you help your child become the best version of themselves.

The first thing you can do to help your child become the best version of themselves is to recognize that they are different from you, and may have different preferences and priorities. Your child may find satisfaction and happiness in places you would never expect.

Perhaps your child prefers drawing and dislikes academics. You'll need to recognize their strengths and support them, then teach them not to neglect the different aspects of their life and to devote their attention to them. Whatever your child's interests and strengths, you'll need to be their biggest fan, not their harshest critic, even if you don't like their strengths or you wish they excelled in other areas.

Here, you may fear that your child will fail or make the wrong choice, but you must know that you do not have to protect them from disappointment or failure. Remember that this is their own journey, and that they must fail and stumble, then rise and succeed. This will shape them into a person capable of life and aware of its meanings and various aspects.

What you can do here is offer encouragement and support, and be the first person they can count on in times of stumbling or pain. If you do this, you'll be able to encourage your child to push themselves hard enough to reach their full potential.

balance

According to the Very Well Family website, there are some things you should teach your child, the first of which is to strike a balance between self-acceptance and self-improvement, and that they can love themselves as they are while also striving to become better.

As your child works toward improvement, you should praise the things they've done of their own free will, without focusing on things beyond their control. For example, instead of saying, "You're so handsome," you could say, "You worked hard and did your best. That's amazing." Praising them for things beyond their control won't help them at all.

Psychology Today points out that children should be taught to think realistically, develop healthy self-talk, and learn to reframe negative thinking by telling themselves, for example, "I can improve my chemistry grade by studying hard, asking for help, and doing my homework."

It's also helpful to teach your child how to deal with their feelings instead of trying to make them not feel sad, failed, helpless, or angry in the first place. They will inevitably experience these feelings in life, whether you're around or not. A child who can describe and identify their feelings will be better equipped to process their feelings and will have greater confidence in their ability to handle discomfort.

Finally, you will need to teach your child how to take positive action to face his fears, persevere when he feels tired, and act in accordance with his values even when those values are not what others are doing.

Children who are confident in their abilities, know how to manage their emotions, and can tolerate discomfort will have a competitive advantage in everything they do in life.