"My son is talking to himself." How do you distinguish between your child's unity and independence?

      Women receive direct and indirect messages that a mother who doesn't work will be a better mother, and that they should spend long hours each day with their child, rather than letting them play alone or with their friends. This reinforces feelings of guilt in mothers if they notice their child entertaining himself away from them.

24-hour mothers

Because of the constant guilt and stress that mothers feel about spending more time with their children than they should,  researchers  from the University of Toronto and the University of Maryland found that the pressure mothers feel to spend a lot of time with their children adds a psychological and mental burden on mothers, to the point that it can make them worse mothers than if they focused their time on caring for themselves and their husbands.

The researchers wrote in the study report that mothers spend up to 30 hours per week with children between the ages of 3 and 11, and the average hours decrease to between 11 and 20 hours as their children reach adolescence.

Researchers compared these results with statistics dating back to 1975 and found that mothers in the past spent just over 7 hours per week with their children. The researchers attributed the difference to current trends in intensive parenting, without considering the psychological impact of excessive parenting on mothers, including sleep deprivation and constant feelings of guilt.

As a result, some mothers resist their children's independence, depriving them of playing alone or with friends, and fearing that their child will feel lonely if he spends time alone.

What is the result of excessive attention?

This intense mothering doesn't just harm the mother. Last March, three child development researchers from the Department of Psychology at Boston College and the College of Humanities and Social Sciences at Utah State University shared the disturbing  results  of a study they conducted to explore the prevalence of mental and psychological disorders among new generations.

The findings indicated that the prevalence of mental health disorders among children and adolescents of the current generation is a result of increased parental attention to the child, excessive supervision and monitoring of their activities, and decreased opportunities for children to play, roam, and participate in activities independent of adult supervision.

The study report stated that despite good intentions, a mother's drive to guide and protect her child may cause him anxiety and depression.

Therefore, researchers recommend increasing the amount of time a child spends independently as they get older, and guiding them to make meaningful contributions to their family and community, so they feel like responsible, trustworthy individuals capable of dealing with the real world, not just the school world.

The researchers also recommended supporting your child's freedom to play games that involve an acceptable degree of risk and responsibility, away from adult supervision.

The researchers pointed to examples of games such as tree climbing, building a treetop hut, high jumping, playing with pets, and rope climbing, all of which protect children from developing phobias and reduce the likelihood of developing anxiety by boosting their self-confidence and helping them deal with their fears from an early age.

When does your child feel lonely?

Some mothers believe that their child's playing alone or talking to their toys is simply an attempt to cope with their loneliness. Therefore, the 2018 Happy Childhood Index monitored  the results of  an analysis of children's and adolescents' opinions about loneliness.

The analysis was conducted by researchers from the UK's Office for National Statistics, using a modified version of the Loneliness Scale developed by researchers at the University of California, Los Angeles. The scale uses an indirect approach to assessing loneliness, without using the word "loneliness," making it suitable for use with children.

The researchers asked the children the following questions:

1. How often do you feel like you have no one to talk to?
2. How often do you feel left out?
3. How often do you feel down and no one is there to hold you?

11% of children between the ages of 10 and 15 felt lonely, according to the responses. Several factors combined to influence these children, including:

1. Living in an industrial or dangerous city, with no places for children to play or safe streets to walk around.
2. Suffering from a chronic illness or disability.
3. Parents separate, and the child lives with one of them.
4. Exposure to bullying and persecution, in the case of children of a different race or religion than other children in their community.
5. Parents' excessive attention to the child, which results in his isolation and loss of the skill of forming friendships.
6. The child moves from his city or school.

Free independent play

In 2022, researchers from three Australian universities conducted  a study  on structured and unstructured play and educational activities. The study revealed that mothers confuse structured play with educational activities, considering memorizing a song, playing an instrument, or learning to cook as play, while children do not.

As for the difference between structured and unstructured play, in the former, a parent supervises the child, while in the latter, the child plays alone, without rules or supervision, such as children's imaginative games or exploring the surrounding environment.

Researchers also found that an additional hour per day of unstructured play in the preschool years was associated with a 3% to 6% increase in a child's ability to regulate their cognitions and emotions at ages 2 and 4, with positive outcomes extending throughout life.

With independent play away from parents, children develop faster attention spans, improve their ability to observe, learn patience, regulate their moods, empathize with themselves and those around them, and develop creative solutions to problems they face—all signs researchers call “emotional and behavioral self-regulation skills.”

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